Strife and Twines of Inconsequentia

copywriterbean @ 2009-09-01T21:27:00

2009-09-02T02:28:46Z

December. Right.

Urgh

2008-12-17T20:24:24Z

I HATE it when people talk out of both sides of their mouths. You know, say one thing, and then say another contradictory thing, and then declare both things are true. Logic doesn't work that way. You're either a dick or you aren't.

A Short Description of My Job

2008-12-10T17:49:55Z

"Here's a bag of Skittles. We want you to sort the M&Ms by color. We're sure you can do it because they're both kinds of candy."

FREE TEH BITE

2008-08-27T19:58:24Z

copywriterbean @ 2008-08-15T12:53:00

2008-08-15T17:53:34Z

Hi.

Enterprise Rent-A-Craw: Who Gots Mah Bukkit

2008-06-03T23:39:21Z

7:40 AM, Arrive at body shop.
7:50 AM, Arrive at Enterprise Rent-A-Craw.
8:00 AM, I'll be with you in a moment, ma'am.
8:10 AM, I'll be with you in a moment, ma'am. Could I have your name? Could you spell that for me?
8:15 AM, I'll be with you in a moment, ma'am, just as soon as I finish with this woman.
8:20 AM, I'm sorry, could you spell your name again please?
8:25 AM, Hmm, we're not finding an appointment for you. Could you spell your name again please?
8:30 AM, Oh, Ok, I see it, they had it spelled 'Jeanna.' Let me just change that.
8:35 AM, ERAC staffer interrupts
8:40 AM, Woman ahead of me in line finally finds a copy of her telephone bill online so that she can prove she pays bills and there for can afford to rent a car
8:45 AM, Could you spell your name again for me please? I'm sorry, I'll be with you in a moment.
8:50 AM, Great, that'll be a $25 deposit on a major credit card, it'll be refunded. Ok, let's go get that car.
8:55 AM, Walk around car to check for defects
9:00 AM, Sign paperwork and drive away in Hitler's Focus.

Other things that happened at Enterprise Rent-A-Craw:
At one point, I was the only one in the office. There was no other staff in there and no other customers. During that time, the phone rang incessantly. They did not have a voicemail system set up to handle incoming calls when only customers are in the office. One of the people that was ringing was the secretary of the boss of one of the other customers; the customer had given the wrong room number to the boss and was unable to find the correct room.

Also, apparently I was Jeanna Crosvy for approximately seventy-two hours.

Fifteen Reasons why Driving A Ford Focus Is Like Riding With Hitler

2008-06-03T23:30:49Z

Ok, I know I haven't posted in a while, but there's been a lot of stuff going on, not the least of which is that I was rear-ended by a navy blue Toyota Corolla on Friday morning. Everyone's ok except for my poor dear sweet gray Civic who is at the body shop on State Farm's dime.

Anyways, State Farm sent me to Enterprise Rent-A-Craw for a car while mine is being worked on. My experience with Enterprise will come in another post.

THE 2007 FORD FOCUS RED with 20K MILES $7,900

A comparable Civic is worth $11,500.

Firstly and foremostly, I hate hate hate red. Hate. Hate. Red. Hate. Nothing like being in a death machine pained the color of fire, anger, and wrath. Great.

2. Ford, why did you bother putting back doors on it? No one could POSSIBLY fit back there. Plus now I have to finagle around the friggin support column. Jesus.
3. The antenna sticks out of the center of the front at the top of the windshield like a faux hawk.
4. The brights are on the turn signal lever but the lights on is a dial on the dash.
5. The ignition key hole makes you grab the edges of the key to get a good enough grip to turn the key. The angle is all off.
6. The steering wheel is too close to the dash. I have the seat all the way back so I don't clutter up the pedals with my massive massive size ten feet and now I can't reach the steering wheel.
7. Stick the key in the ignition and the first thing you hear is your ALARM CLOCK.
8. The turn signal sounds like one of those plastic clickers that trainers use on dogs. What kind of conditioning is going on here?
9. Acceleration: No problem. There isn't any.
10. Braking: OMGWE'REBRAKINGOMGOMGOMG
11. The cups in the cupholders bang against the buttons on the dash.
12. The keyless entry remote is separate from the key. WTF?
13. Say this in a whisper to yourself: bdbdbdbdbd. That's what my Civic sounds like. Now, say this in a whisper to yourself: ptkptkptkptk. That's what the damned Ford Focus sounds like.
14. Today on the way home, it started raining. And it was lovely. Inside the Ford Focus, I could smell the odor of the rain wafting in through the air vents. Which is great. The bad thing is that the odor also comes in going by the feed lots, the mexican restaurants, the paper mills, and behind the Defenbaugh Trash Removal trucks.

Finally, my lovely, new, aerodynamic japanese car was built in these here United States and that fucking butt ugly Focus was built in MEXICO. And damn, you can tell.

copywriterbean @ 2008-04-08T16:53:00

2008-04-08T21:53:13Z

I miss my short hair. I'm going to have to cut it off.

copywriterbean @ 2008-04-07T12:05:00

2008-04-07T17:06:22Z

I have the stomach flu and infections in two sinuses and both ears. Don't call me.

copywriterbean @ 2008-04-02T21:57:00

2008-04-03T02:58:02Z

In case you missed it...

My little sister, in the true spirit of the family to which we were born, managed to catch a flyball...

...with her face.

At least when you have to buy your teeth they already come straight.

You know I love it when the big girl wins

2008-03-21T16:10:32Z

First ever size 16 girl reaches Miss England final

Chloe Marshall doesn't look like your average beauty queen. And she couldn't be happier about it.

The trainee beautician has become the first size 16 to make it to the finals of the Miss England contest.

Yesterday the 16-year-old beat a host of slimmer hopefuls to be named Miss Surrey, and hopes to win the national competition in July.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=540732&in_page_id=1879&ito=1490

copywriterbean @ 2008-03-18T09:33:00

2008-03-18T14:35:37Z

Yesterday was the pano eval at the orthodontist's office. I have one tooth that needs some adjustment yet...god they hurt today. She said I have six months left; I almost burst into tears in her chair.

In other news, Fentek's wife is supposed to be induced into labor today, but I haven't heard anything yet.

copywriterbean @ 2008-03-08T21:51:00

2008-03-09T05:51:44Z

On How I Did A Logo

2008-03-03T21:02:21Z

check out my handiwork with a brush pen and funky scanner

http://fatbag.us

yep, the eric diet.

Catch up

2008-02-28T15:16:52Z

I am five ("5") whole friggin' pounds down from last Thursday since I started eating every two hours. Slightly frightening. And somewhat joyous. At this rate I should hit goal wait by sometime in June, but I know it doesn't work like that.

Plus I have not yet felt the backlash from the Planet Sub on Tuesday.

I miss bacon.

Last night I moved the bed off of the rails and onto the floor, as the center support beam was curved and unsupportive, so every time T got into/got out of bed the waves made me seasick. Last night I had the first fabulous night of sleep in weeks.

My brother and his wife are expecting. Gramma doesn't think she'll make it another week but I'm giving her two weeks. She's not due until 3/25 but the nine-poundness of baby is starting to get pretty heavy. Nine pounds, holy crap.

Stupid Clothiers!

2008-02-26T19:04:21Z

Ok, listen up industry. When I say that I and my husband are "tall," I don't mean "just barely over the industry standard tall," I mean, "I am average height for a man" and "my husband is as tall as Conan O'Brien." 5'10" is average height for a man. Average. That means HALF THE POPULATION IS TALLER THAN A 34" INSEAM.

I mention this because it is IMPOSSIBLE to find pants with an inseam bigger than the waist measurement.

Yes, we're fat. Yes, we need some extra room in the waist. But 32 inches is not going to cut when T's inseam is 37". That's five inches of SOCK SHOWING.

How the hell freaking hard is it to cut the damn pants a goddam half-foot longer and not hem them? MY GOD you could save SO MUCH MONEY on mass producing pants if you only had to sell them by waist. It's not like I can buy a goddamn pair of pants that are too short and add fabric on to them. YOU MISS OUT ON SO MUCH MONEY. So much money. SO MUCH MONEY.

For pete's sake, people. It doesn't take a goddam rocket scientist.

You know what? Put some goddamn velcro on the inside of the pant leg so I can adjust my hem according to whether or not I have heels on. $.50 of velcro and you've just opened up THE ENTIRE TALL MARKET. Including my dad, who wears an abominable 30x36. Yes, that's right, his inseam is larger than his waist.

Call me. I'll help you. Don't lose money.

Yogatarding

2008-02-25T23:50:15Z

I finally got the awkward balance pose! WOOOOOO!

Only my leg was higher than this old dude's

right. Humbling. Again.

Day Three: The crazed, maniacal Eric diet

2008-02-23T21:48:58Z

Really, it's going okay. I think I ate a little too much at lunch * buuuurrrrppP * but so far so good. I still have 200 calories to work off today. I'm keeping a log (bag).

Eric said it worked for him. He's lost about 105 pounds.

I'm two pounds down from Wednesday, it's a good start.

Yogatard

2008-02-22T23:47:38Z

Today on Fit TV was an episode of Namaste Yoga. So I broke down and tried it.

I'll be damned, if it wasn't what they said it'd be. I actually kind of enjoyed it. The lower body part especially, it really relaxed my lower back. I don't feel winded at all but I can still feel that tingly, tight overworked feeling in my hips and thighs.

Huh.

Anyway I'm doing this because I have to burn 3000 calories a week in order to offset the 1300 calories a day I'm eating so I can lose 65 pounds by the middle of October. I'm on the Eric Biven diet. He's a slave driver, that one.

I have 160 calories left to go today but so far so good. I was a little intimidated at first but I feel better about it now.

A Braces Haiku

2008-02-19T19:55:39Z

tight clear rubber bands
flicking spit showers the screen
pixels magnify

Vitriolic Violin

2008-02-19T01:35:14Z

Tommy successfully purchased a 4/4 starter violin over the weekend which he has fervently and defensefully played throughout the last few days. I am supportive of his forays into uncharted musical waters; however, I am looking forward to the day when he can get through an entire chorus of The Dreidle Song without making that horrible squelching noise.

I've told him as much as I remember from my very short stint into orchestra from 1992. Obviously, since I didn't play violin and that little mistake was over fifteen years ago for me, I haven't been able to help him out much with the techniques he's trying to acquire, aside from the fact that he needs to use more than three inches of the bow and that yes, vibrato is hard.

Do any of you have any pointers? Good piece of music to start with? Good videos? Inspiring tales? Pictures of how the neck rest is supposed to look when it's on the instrument? Good rosin? How tight to tighten the bow? Good luthiers?

EDIT: Better yet, if you want to come and SHOW him stuff, I will make you oatmeal raisin cookies. Really. Please.

Really, whatever you can brain dump would be helpful.

I'm not doing any more friggin free resumes

2008-02-18T19:33:45Z

Ass, gas, or grass; nobody writes for free.

copywriterbean @ 2008-02-14T22:21:00

2008-02-15T04:24:08Z

Tommy got me a laptop for Valentine's Day so I'd quit fucking up his shit. It's an el cheapo but it does what I want it to do. Not bad for $380 plus some memory.

We went to eat at Cinzetti's on Tuesday night not realizing that kids eat free on Mondays and Tuesdays. I'm still finding garlic mashed potatoes stuck to my shoes.

Some friends are having some issues and I wish I could be more clear but really it applies to all of you. Not that it's bad, I guess it just happen to strike me today.

I would just like to point out here

2008-02-14T19:52:41Z

that this was one school in one podunk place in Kansas, and Kansas isn't like this everywhere. Stop asking.

"
The Kansas State High School Activities Association said referees reported that Michelle Campbell was preparing to officiate at St. Mary's Academy near Topeka on Feb. 2 when a school official insisted that Campbell could not call the game.

The reason given, according to the referees: Campbell, as a woman, could not be put in a position of authority over boys because of the academy's beliefs.
"

meez

2008-02-14T18:59:12Z